Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!